Zero Sum Lives

49 years and 25 days ago I acquired a unique amount of space to unfold, create, dream and perform. Offered with the chance to perform deeds that should allow me to leave a serial footprint in the eternity of the universe and would forge the "unicum" of my presence. So, I piled one upon the other and formed a puzzle that ended up shaping into my external and internal features. It was too early to conclude whether this event was a blissful event or just the normal course of things without any greater significance attached to it. Little has changed in the meantime, and the cornerstone question still remains unanswered. What has been answered, however, is that regardless of the colour or the direction of my conclusions, I am not alone out there. Millions, if not billions of like-fortunate individuals were thrown into the same sea of uncertainties, fears and anxieties. The master-plan, if you will, was to see how everyone would respond to the same circumstances, the same surroundings and the same external impulses. A strange mould that would change shape to accommodate each different reaction and outcome.

We all exist for the sake of existence, but some of us, exist with a mission and a higher calling. The mission and the calling to take this species further. To develop it into a higher being and to answer to the agony of human evolution. Today I am certain that I am not among these blessed individuals and that my footprint, will be very gentle, almost invisibly gentle. And I have come to terms with this fact and I am at peace with myself. Though, one thing keeps troubling me like a piercing-thought that keeps returning and keeps haunting me some nights and most of my days. It is the philosophical question about the meaning of my existence and the ultimate objective still to fulfil. With everything that goes on around me, I have been taught in the loudest possible fashion that I am too insignificant to expect too large things. That I am no system's priority, no event's epicenter, no spiral's centrifuge and that I should patiently wait in line to claim my portion of the human evolution rather privately without making too much noise.

I have tried for many years not to be out of tune, and I have sharpened most of my senses to understand and segregate positive from negative and pursue the former. And while younger and obviously naiver I was displaying absolute certainty in the separation of these two, in later years I have come to realise that both are intertwined to an extent which renders them impossible to segregate. I had to defer my actions to intuition and make "life-shaping" choices accordingly. And with my intuition forming part of my intellectual mechanism I have been roaming the grounds since, in search of all kinds of answers. 49 years and 25 days later, I have concluded that life is a "zero sum game" by design, unless you approach it from an entirely philosophical angle, in which case you can enrich your conclusions. But as a "zero sum game" life is taking care of most of the balances that are required to justify it. Inevitably your fronts are divided in the ones you can win and in those that are never meant to be won. The latter ones are the main ingredient of one's hope and the fuel of all kinds of ambitions. To conquer the impossible has always been a highlight and the main attraction for many of us, while giving-in and accepting was always branded as failure and weakness. Let me tell you, that from today's angle I hardly remember having learnt any lesson from my successes but much of who I am is attributable to my many failures. If I were to wish someone all good things from the bottom of my heart I would wish them "many quick failures".